By Faith Masengeli
I met Faith, our guest writer, at a recent meditation retreat, and she was kind enough to write about her experience. Faith is an all round wonderful person, and is deeply enjoying her journey of inner exploration, self discovery and improvement of perception. She is an aspiring writer, and you can find her writing on her blog here. Enjoy, learn, and above all, may you share Faith’s merits and loving-kindness. May you be happy.
Kamande.
Every single meditation session activated tears. I cried so much my eyes were puffy and I even had headaches. The pain I felt was unbearable, but somehow, I was willing to feel the pain.
I came across vipassana meditation back in 2019 while looking for a meditation practice. I wanted something I didn’t have to pay for at the time. Vipassana was definitely promising, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. 10 days of silence? Hell no. No using intoxicants? Nope. Back in the day I was a very serious stoner. I didn’t want to quit, not even for 10 days. All I wanted was to feel better. My emotions were all over the place, I had no sense of direction in life. I was stuck financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually… Damn. It was a hard time. Still, I could not imagine taking a 10 day course. I wasn’t ready to let go of my addictions, especially weed. I just wanted to feel better, and wanted to find an easier way to do it.
I started practicing yoga and meditation in 2020. Slowly by slowly my inner situation started improving. I became happy and at peace for absolutely no reason. I started to become meditative, grateful, and at ease within myself. I was lost and confused, but I appreciated that state, because somehow I was at peace with the confusion and found it necessary for my growth.
In as much as I found joy within myself, I still had not let go of my addiction to weed. I tried a couple of times, but when I got back at it, I became worse. Combining yoga practices with weed was a horrible idea. I felt energized after practicing yoga, but then when I smoked weed, the high lasted a very short time. So I smoked even more than I used to before I started practicing yoga. In 6 months, I smoked more than I ever did in my 7 years as a stoner. Of course, it affected my productivity and I preferred to avoid people because I didn’t want them to witness this profound addiction that had taken over my life.
I remembered vipassana. It just crossed my mind one day, and this time I was ready for it. I wanted to stop smoking weed. That’s it. I was willing to go through the course exactly as it requires of me. So I applied and attended the August 2023 retreat.
I had just one goal. To get rid of my weed cravings. I had tried before, but the withdrawals were too much. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was also very irritable. However, 2 days into the retreat, I had no cravings, I was eating and sleeping well. What just happened!
We were meditating around 10 hours a day. Most of my attention was focused on breath those two days, there was no room to even think about weed. I was so happy. If I achieved my goal on day two, what else is going to happen?
I loved the silence. The long hours of meditation were definitely a challenge, but I was there for it. In those 10 days, I cried like never before. Every single meditation session activated tears. I cried so much my eyes were puffy and I even had headaches. The pain I felt was unbearable, but somehow, I was willing to feel the pain. There was pain in my hips, knees, back, and feet.
On the 5th day we were to sit a full hour with strong determination. No opening the eyes, legs or hands. That day is when I felt maximum pain. Unwavering pain. It’s crazy how I was willing to observe this pain equanimously. I remember feeling sleepy, a lot, after most sessions. Before going to the retreat I was very energetic, but somehow, the work done here was so exhausting. Weed was not even a factor at this point, yet in the beginning, it was my biggest problem.
At the end of the course, I was immensely grateful.
As the days went by, I noticed the pain in my body had reduced significantly. I was able to sit cross legged for a full hour without changing my posture. My body felt somewhat lighter. I was able to close my eyes for a full hour of meditation, as opposed to the beginning, where I opened my eyes from time to time. I had made significant progress.
At the end of the course, I was immensely grateful. The people that fed us delicious and nutritious meals for free, the people that donated money so we could have that experience, it was too much. I am forever grateful for the servers’ and teacher’s acts of service. I was also grateful to myself. That was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, facing my darkness head on for several days. It was really tough, but I learnt to face it with an equanimous mind.
After finishing the course, the work does not end there. We are to continue practicing twice a day and keep the fire burning. When I got home, I was determined to keep the practice going. However I started to feel a lot of heavy emotions I had never felt before. These were probably my past Saṅkhāras (reactions) coming to the surface. I had learnt to bear physical pain, but emotional pain is a whole different game. For weeks I battled with heavy emotions coupled with migraines and trembling. I tried my best to keep the practice going, and these emotions felt lighter with time. I managed to face them with an equanimous mind. I was glad to have made some friends whom I could confide in about my experience, and I could also attend vipassana sittings where we shared each other’s experiences and continue to help each other grow.
The experience was life changing. Overwhelming. I gained numerous benefits. My compassion, gratitude, and love deepened in a beautiful way. I can now focus on what it is I want to do in life without fear, and whenever fear crops up, I simply observe the feeling knowing it will pass away. I was able to contain my weed addiction, which definitely helps with my focus and drive. The teachings on law of impermanence have truly changed my outlook and perception of life. I would 100% recommend this retreat to anyone who is considering it and willing.
To get maximum benefit from the retreat, here is what I would recommend:
1. Learn a cross legged sitting posture and practice sitting for some time before attending the retreat. A posture like ardhasidhasana will open up your hips and when you sit for vipassana, you will get to work on the trapped Sankaras in the lower body.
2. Practice some meditation before attending. This will help you ease into the 10 hour meditation sessions a day, which can be tough for someone who has never meditated before.
These are just my recommendations, they are not a must.
Finally, be willing to let go of how you think it should happen, because the journey inward is mysterious and unknown. Embrace it as it unfolds, don’t think of the benefits or what you will overcome. Simply sit with each moment, allow the practice to happen without resistance, moment by moment.