By Kamande. Image by Conrad Whitaker.
Anger, with its poisoned root and honeyed tip.
Anger is an emotion that mostly comes from the feeling of being right and others being wrong. It is clearly borne out of wanting things to be different than they are/were.
I cannot say that I have had to deal with significant anger issues in my life. It is however an emotion that arises quite often and the results are not elegant, to put it mildly. Most times, I have walked with it without paying attention to it, caught up in it, for a period of time before it evaporates. Other times, I mindfully pay attention and hold it with compassion, and it dissipates. This is the nature of emotions.
However, at other times, I get caught up in a vicious cycle of thoughts trying to justify its arising, which creates a lump in my chest. I ask myself, ‘How could they do that? How could they see things that way? How could they say that? How can they not see how wrong they are? How can they not see how right I am? How can they keep doing that?’. And the story goes on and on. This thought-emotion spiral can either naturally wither or be dissolved by mindfulness and compassion.
At times, I have acted it out. The feeling of being on the right is so strong that in a split second the skillful means for taking care of the emotion is overwhelmed. The result is wrong thought followed by wrong action and/or speech. Everything collapses, and before I know it, I have made harmful speech, or harmfully acted. It is a recent experience that prompted a deeper look into anger and this post.
Earlier this year, on my way to work, a fellow driver was overlapping. I was in what I thought was the right lane, and had slowly gotten to the turning, only for this driver to come from the outer lane and try to ‘cut me off’ heading into the turning. How could they do that? I, and the other drivers, had obeyed the rules and used the correct lane patiently, only for him to use the wrong lane and not line up like everyone else! The story quickly became intense and powerful, the more I got caught up in it. The anger was overflowing now. Road rage. I had to stop this disrespectful driver. How could I not? He was everything wrong with our society. As I tried to maneuver and stop him from cutting me and the rest of the law-abiding drivers off, I reversed into the car behind me. A brown BMW SUV. Long story short, acting the anger out cost me Kes 10,000 at about 7:54 AM! (The owner of the car I hit treated me graciously, and the resolution was quite amicable. How lucky! At that point, I felt that I deserved all repercussions, and had braced myself for the worst!)
In all forms of aversion the heart contracts. We then become imprisoned by our own mind’s reactions and subsequently solidify a sense of self and separation. But there is also something extremely seductive about anger that keeps pulling us in and feeding it. The Buddha described it well when he said, “Anger, with its poisoned root and honeyed tip.” We feel empowered, energetic and often self-righteous when we’re lost in angry feelings.
See, anger seems to have this promise of joy the more we wrap it round the self. But this does not hold up to any wise scrutiny. It is just that, a false promise. The poisoned root is similar – it is a reinforcement of this false sense of separation, stemming from ‘I am right’ and ‘THEY are wrong’.
There are many teachings on working with emotions such as anger and fear, both converging to the idea of shining compassion to them and not getting caught up in the whole story. One approach that has been very helpful is taking away the ownership of these emotions. This subtle change in language from ‘I am angry/afraid etc’ to ‘there is anger/fear’ stops the I/Mine/self view train before it even leaves the station. The seduction of anger, in particular, then has no subject. There is just an energy, a sensation that can be held with compassion, as a challenge, and it disappears. While not easy, this simple reframing can be incredibly powerful. I have since started playing around with it, and found it to be effective, especially when combined with other practices such as mindful breathing and the view of impermanence. As a side note, anger can also be an energy for action/activism against oppression, but without wisdom, the slope gets very slippery. So maybe compassion is a better energy?
Anger is like a howling baby, suffering and crying. The baby needs his mother to embrace him. You are the mother for your baby, your anger. The moment you begin to practice breathing mindfully in and out, you have the energy of a mother, to cradle and embrace the baby. Just embracing your anger, just breathing in and breathing out, that is good enough. The baby will feel relief right away. All
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Anger
All said and done, it is easy to be patient when no one is bothering us. The patience required in dealing with this strong emotion requires us to have the willingness to put in the required effort. May we all create the conditions for wisdom and happiness.