By Tracy Wanja
I put out a request for people to share their experiences with meditation, and I am getting more individuals that are open to sharing, even briefly, about their odyssey. How joyful! Tracy, a Vipassana meditator—just like all of us, finding her way back to her true and clear nature—has written about her experience so far. May we find inspiration in her story!
Peace, Kamande.
Like gold being refined, it is a process and in the end we become pure and achieve
My writing process is now in phase two—putting it on paper, or rather, my word document. There is a whole other process before it gets to you.
When I agreed to this, I had just come from my first 10-day Vipassana, and I was glowing in the beauty of everything, being equanimous and enjoying meditation with the voice of Goenkaji in my head, calling me to meditate. Now, as I write this, I have faced the world a little longer, and all I can say is, I am not as I was. “I was raised Christian” is my current answer to anyone who asks about my religion. I have searched high and low for the spiritual meaning that was once so strong inside me, but I seemed to have only short-lived glimpses of it, whether intellectually, physically, or spiritually. None lasted long. I found myself demotivated and looking for the next exciting thing.
While I was searching for this thing (and luckily, I’m quite an open-minded person), a friend suggested Vipassana. Of course! I wanted to try it, I’m open! Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, it took me a whole year to finally find an open slot. By the time I got the slot, I was in a much better place than I was when it was first suggested. So you can imagine committing to something for 10 days when your life is going fairly well. The necessary things sorted themselves out, and by the time I was sharing that I’d be gone for 10 days, it was only two weeks away because, you know, anxiety. I finally got to the center, eager to learn, knowing well that whatever it was I had come to do, my mind would fight me. I was ready for whatever would arise, or so I thought. Being a (luckily) fairly sensible person, every time I desired to leave, I would always ask my mind to give me one good reason, and we would leave. I never got a good reason. Some days, we were inches away from the teacher, intending to tell them we wanted to leave. However, curiosity, a quality that I have always appreciated about myself, got the best of me and held me there until the last day.
I wanted to briefly share how the immediate results let me know I had found the right thing for me. I’ll start with my back and knees. Now, I am quite young, but I’ve always had discomfort in my lower back and my right knee, which never liked any extra weight on it. The gym and yoga helped, but procrastination was also my middle name. So the discomfort was constantly there. It wasn’t enough to warrant a doctor’s attention, but also not fun to constantly have. The 10 days were over, and I was back to the world. I first realized that a lot of my reality is just in my mind, and the importance I placed on it was just fluff. The first thing I noticed was that I didn’t have the strong emotions I used to have—well, only until recently did I notice one that still hangs on strongly. I’d see people get angry and wonder, “Hmm, this is what anger looks like, wow!” The grudges I held against people were dissolved. My cat was the biggest indicator that something had shifted within me. He is a ginger cat full of energy and had gone to my mother’s for the time I’d be at the center. He loved biting me as his favorite choice of play, and unfortunately, my family was not spared either when I was away. I brought my cat home, and he was very calm, to the point he was finally sleeping on my bed and not his. This was a beautiful sight to see. And the love! It had increased tenfold, and I realized that my expression of love was very external compared to now, as demonstrated by my cat’s reception to this new expression of love.
Love for others also increased and I just found myself being so thankful to people I initially would have not bothered to acknowledge. I also noticed that my relationships are improving, and I am letting in those that I had locked out previously. The love is overflowing. I still meditate for 2 hours everyday unless it is circumstantial, but I always find myself trying to find ways I can hide and meditate. I have also discovered that Goenkaji’s discourses have the answers to my questions and the funny thing is, things I’d see as difficult are quite simple to solve. Guess who lost her middle name? Yes, me! I find myself getting things done, things previously I had to negotiate and coddle myself into doing. Finally, the journey to freedom (nibbana) may seem long, but everyday we make effort and work towards clearing our Saṅkhāra, we see our new selves emerging. Like gold being refined, it is a process and in the end we become pure and achieve liberation.