By Kamande.

“And how does one place expectations on the future? One gets carried away with the delight of

‘In the future I might have such a form’ … ‘In the future I might have such a feeling’ … ‘In the future I might have such a perception’ … ‘In the future I might have such a fabrication’ … ‘In the future I might have such a consciousness.’

This is called placing expectations on the future.

For years now, my mind has been running a continuously reinforcing program. I am calling it the afflictive habit of ‘T Minus X’: a relentless countdown to a future moment where I (unconsciously) think true happiness is waiting. It’s a pattern that started in childhood, and it has taken me 35+ years to start seeing it for what it is: a silent thief of my own life and happiness. And maybe this experience resonates with you?

(I could not wait to publish this! Ha!)

I went to a decent Boarding School aged 10 (this was the only accessible way my beloved mother could provide access to a good education). As soon as the school term started, the wait also began. The wait for visiting day, when dear mother would bring me all kinds of delicacies and snacks. We had a beautiful tradition of writing letters home a few weeks after opening school, dominated by a list of things we wanted our parents to bring us, and this was a core part of the cycle of waiting. As soon as visiting day was over, the wait for closing day began. We marked calendars and had a reserved corner on the blackboard with the number of ‘days to freedom’. On the penultimate day, we would ecstatically sing Sarafina’s ‘Freedom is coming tomorrow!!’. The wait!

In High school, the same mindset remained ablaze. This time, waiting for the next out of school event to break out of the boring and mundane day-to-day slug and meet girls; waiting for the mid-term break when we would indulge in all kinds of food, entertainment, teenage love escapades,  and more (redacted because dear mother might read this and I risk my innocent image in her head getting tarnished); waiting for closing day, finishing school and getting out of this damned prison, going to Uni … waiting for freedom to do whatever one wanted to do without supervision – basically, becoming an adult! These precious teenage years were spent with the mind years ahead fantasizing, dreaming, eagerly looking forward to becoming an adult. Oh, how wonderful it would be!

And then when college came, the all familiar weekly wait for the weekend, starting every Monday morning; waiting for the party, for the football game of the season between Arsenal And Manchester united. I could not wait to be done with these boring and difficult stochastic processes and calculus III classes. But the biggest wait of all, was the wait for employment and financial stability that I was working towards. See, college came with the freedom to do whatever I wanted, but then quickly realized that I did not have the financial muscle to live it out fully. Something as missing. And so I waited zealously, dreaming, for the day when I would graduate, start working and afford the things I could currently not afford, in addition to the freedom. Ah, that would be the day. I looked forward to buying a car with my 5th salary as a fledging statistician (installed with a killer sound system to blast TOK and Agent Sasco music), my own well furnished one bedroom house away from the measly college hostel that I had once dreamt of!

As you might know or guess, things do not quite pan out that way. Slowly, life unfolded. The tarmacking, the meagre graduate salary that could not buy much those first few years. But the wait continued. I could not wait for the day when I would afford a better house. A better car. And the story continues. Waiting for the vacation. For the party. For marriage to the love of my life. Waiting for kids. Waiting for when my son starts to sleep longer so we can get some rest. Waiting for when he can walk so I can take him to the park. Waiting. Heck, waiting for dinner.

And the never ending phrase, as we wait, “I cannot wait for thus and thus …”. 

See, Visiting days came, and went. Freedom came, over and over. Outings, weekends, parties, end of semester exams, more weekends, salaries, kids, dinners, travel … I keep waiting, and they keep coming and going. Everything that I have waited for has come and gone. And I keep waiting.

This reached its peak for me at the beginning of a recent meditation retreat. I have been doing a Vipassana course as part of my practice every August, and I always look forward to it. This was no exception. I was excited for months about this precious window to continue the work of understanding the mind, and purifying it. And then on day 0 of the course, I immediately started looking forward to day 11, when I would go back home to my beloved family. The course had not even started, but my mind was so accurately operating by the habit pattern conditioned in the 36 years of this lifetime’s existence!

AHA!

And then it finally occurred to me, with a non-trivial amount of melancholy, that this habit hasn’t just colored my past; it has been actively stealing the very experience I have longed for for months. Over and over again. My mind is so conditioned to wait for happiness that it cannot accept it even when it has arrived. No sooner have I reached the destination, than I start planning the next departure. Happiness is always in the future.

Waiting, I have seen, has been such a deceptive robber of the only thing I have, this moment. And so I write this as a reminder for myself, and maybe as a jolt for all of us, to continue the work of waking up to this unfolding moment. This is the heart of what Thich Nhat Hanh calls  “touching the present moment.” To truly arrive in our own lives, we have to stop constantly leaving. And to be clear, this isn’t advocating for a stop to planning for the future, but an invitation to be fully present while we plan, so we don’t sacrifice the reality of this precious moment for the wait or fantasy of a later moment.

Here is a useful except that serves as a constant reminder for how to practice from the Bhaddekaratta Sutta  (MN 131). May we all be liberated.