By Kamande.
The constant hum of worry, a familiar tune, threatening to drown out the melody of life.
A good part of my disposition has been worrying, and doing so with such potency that it is borderline debilitating. The constant hum of worry, a familiar tune, threatening to drown out the melody of life. This realization and acceptance a few years back is partly how I came to the teachings from the East. The general trend since then has been a positive one, I would say, but not because the worrying has significantly reduced. No, it is simply because I have gradually learnt how to notice it, even at the most subtle level. And with that, I am learning how to embrace it like a baby. To cradle it with tenderness, and to not be entangled in its grip to the extent that I identify with it. Note, I say trend, because there are substantial random and seasonal peaks and troughs along the way.
See, even when every external thing around me is seemingly going well, this little baby of mine will not go to sleep. In fact, that is when the screams go an octave higher. That is when, putting it simply, the thoughts of a gloomy near, medium or long term future (pick your flavor of the hour/day) multiply in orders of magnitude. The bodily sensations are so gross, in the form of almost audible heart palpitations and a really heavy and contracted chest. Sensations, really, are the manifestation of valence.
Here is the comical bit, very few of the things (if any) I have worried about and allowed to intrude into my mind for extended periods of time have happened. (And even when they happened, where are they now?). 99% of the time for me, it is not the useful kind of fear that prepares us to take skillful action and reduce harm, but the kind that makes us see a cobra where a piece of rope has cast its shadow.
There are countless teachings that help us understand this and practices that can lead us down the path of less, and eventually no, suffering. One resonates intensely and has occupied my mind a lot while providing moments of peace – the deep realization that true peace resides solely in the here and now. Worry, and especially the afflicting identification with it, is predicated and thrives if and only if we lose touch with the present moment. The things I worry about are never happening now, but in an imagined future that is out of reach in the present. By returning to this moment, which is all there is, I become the one who knows and let things happen exactly as they should. The little baby that is my worry wails, but I do not become the worry. The constrictions happen, but that is yet another experience that is left to rise and fall without interference. In this space, glimpses of an open heart-mind emerge, free from aversion. Albeit momentarily.
Simple as it sounds, realizing sustained awareness and mindfulness of this moment with equanimity and wisdom, is like swimming upstream. Fighting a thousand soldiers a thousand times. But many have swam and continue to swim. We share the same intrinsic ability, and so we diligently practice with the confidence that we can similarly arrive at the sustained peace and happiness of now. May our hearts be at ease.